A reflective piece on the challenges facing modern parents.
- Happy parents, happy kids: happier parents are in a better emotional and psychological space to provide for their children.
- Psychologists emphasize the importance of attachment: the emotional safety and feeling of connectedness that foster learning and EQ development in children.
There is an old saying “happy wife, happy life.” Studies suggest that there is a lot of truth to such saying. As a researcher in one of the latest studies on marital satisfaction states, “I think it comes down to the fact that when a wife is satisfied with the marriage, she tends to do a lot more for her husband,” Dr. Carr continues, “which has a positive effect on his life.” (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/282545.php)
In my experience of working with families, I find that “happy parents, happy kids” is equally true, if not more so. The reason might be similar: happier parents are in a better emotional and psychological space to provide for their children.
Does “BEST” mean “MORE”?
When it comes to providing for their children, parents often think along the line of MORE. More learning activities. More tutoring. More review practices. More after-school interests. More sports. More music lessons. The underlying assumption at work seems to be this: MORE = BETTER, MOST = BEST.
But is this TRUE?
Psychologists keep emphasizing the most important thing that parents can provide for their children is attachment, i.e., the emotional safety and feeling of connectedness that foster learning and EQ development in children. Research has shown that these are factors that predict future success. However, attachment-based parenting also requires a healthy level of mindful presence, empathy, and compassion from parents. In other words, it requires a state of mind that easily comes into conflict with our very stressful modern life.
Globally, we see a trend that equates SUCCESS with MORE. In the adult world, MORE means more material affluence, more of the best of everything one can afford. In HK, self-worth and self-esteem has become intricately tied to performance, numbers, and various kinds achievement indices. Parent often worry if they are doing enough, and focus a lot of their attention on what MORE they can do for their children. Even well-intended support and communication between parents can transform into comparison and competition that quickly turns into another kind of stress. “Everyone is doing 2 sports and 3 instruments. My child will fall behind if she isn’t doing that. I need to step up!” In other words, if their child is not doing what they think everyone else is doing, it feels almost like parents have failed their child. And they are “bad” parents. If this is the space a parent is in, parenting will turn into a lot of stress because parents are under pressure to keep up with everyone else.
This puts parents at a disadvantage to actually listen to and connect with their children. When parents are busy taking their child from point A to point B, from task C to task D, from level 2 to level 3, from intermediate to advanced, parents become an excellent task-manager, tutor, coach, chuffer, and cook. With all these different roles occupying a parent’s mind, it might be hard for parents to not lose sight that their child is missing a PARENT at home.