Bilingual Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling | Clinical Psychologist in Hong Kong

“We are never so vulnerable as when we love.”

—Sigmund Freud

Why marriage counseling (aka couples therapy)? Do you and your partner…

feel frustrated/helpless because you two are trapped in repetitive cycles of heated arguments (that tend to have the same format), despite how arguing has been wounding and unproductive?
feel saddened/hurt by the distance, coldness, and disconnection in your relationship (a predominately functional, or “roommate” marriage), while not knowing what to do about it, or if the other person even cares?
feel disrespected, belittled, or controlled by your partner, while they don’t seem to understand or care how much they are hurting you, and confronting them leads to either further escalation or one person shutting down?
feel devastated by a loss (e.g., a miscarriage) or a betrayal (e.g. an affair), and don’t know whether or how to save your relationship?
waver between leaving and staying, and want some help to decide one way or another?
feel the marriage has reached an end, but want some help around separating well and collaborative co-parenting?

Though this list is not exhaustive, if some of these questions resonate with you, you will find it helpful to talk to a professional about what’s happening in your relationship.

If your child shows signs of struggles around your divorce, or you want to see a therapist alone for marital issues, I will be happy to hear from you.

Why see a clinical psychologist?

Working with a Clinical Psychologist vs. Other Mental Health Practitioners

Does this sound like your situation?

When a couple comes in to see us, they are usually at a stage where their relationship has caused a significant amount of hurt, distance, pain, and/or anger. When one partner picks a fight or pulls away, they are at the same time putting out a private feeling or need: e.g., fighting can mean “please pay attention to my hurt,” or “please know that I am feeling bad right now.” However, it often leads to the other partner feeling attacked, criticized, rejected or abandoned: e.g. pulling away can be a way to calm down oneself or the situation, but it can also make the other partner feel abandoned. When these cycles get repeated, communication can feel like you two are just escalating an argument or going in circles, and these rough verbal patches are punctuated by non-verbal tension that leaves you feeling very isolated and alone. Apart from chronic issues, couples can also come in to deal with an acute crisis (e.g. betrayal, loss of child) so significant that they wonder if they have what it takes to repair, or if they should just call it quits. Either way, couples often feel lost as to how to dig themselves out of what feels like marital quicksand.

Couples therapy can provide a way for partners to identify the difficult feelings that fuel repetitive arguments, the unmet needs that give rise to resentment and distance, and their own part in the unhelpful patterns in communication. When the dance between a couple is brought to light, both partners can identify more clearly what their needs are, how to communicate them, and what to avoid to reverse painful patterns.

**Things to avoid during an argument

**Why couples can’t stop fighting

Michelle Obama: “marriage counseling was a turning point for me” and “even the best marriages require work“.

How Dr. Bertie Wai works

When working with couples, I focus first on getting a sense of the couple and the issues that bring them to therapy. I listen to each partner talk about their own perspective, and help each partner listen to the other. Listening without judgement, preexisting assumptions and distortion is a craft that requires practice. Understanding builds intimacy, and understanding requires that we see, respect and listen to our partner without our own colored-glasses.

Each course of therapy is different and so it will be hard to generalize, but in therapy we often discover that strategies that were once adaptive are now creating problems in our marriage. For example, one might have learned as a child that silence meant not getting into trouble, but now as adult one’s withdrawal and swallowing negative feelings are breeding resentment on both sides. Another example could be that one has learned as a child that meeting high expectations was a recipe for success, but now as adult one is so success-oriented that it gets in the way of true connection and intimacy. What makes these issues tricky is that despite our knowledge that something needs to change, the emotional force these old habits carry can dwarf our cognitive effort to be different.

Couples Therapy Q&A

View my SCMP articles on marriage as well as other topics.

Are you two contemplating divorce?

Some couples are looking to part ways in a non-litigious way which also leaves room for collaborative co-parenting. This is a very wise and healthy decision, and it will feel more manageable if there is a space for the two of you to work out your differences and how you anticipate these differences might cause problems in co-parenting moving forward.

If you are planning a divorce, and want some tips, my compact book Talking to Children about Divorce might be helpful.

Making the first step might not be easy…

Because couples therapy (some people call it couples counseling or relationship counseling) is first and foremost a personal experience, how it works, how you feel about and respond to it, and what benefits you could gain from it are best experienced through a consultation. These following questions might be on your mind.

How do I know…

my relationship needs help? (Some of these checklists might help.)
what to expect?
that I won’t be judged?
that my relationship issues are in fact resolvable?
that you are the right fit for us?

These are common and important questions, and well worth exploring. The purpose of an initial consultation is to provide an opportunity for us to explore these issues together. The purpose of an initial consultation is for you to tell me what you are struggling with and to find out how I work, and then we can talk about if working with me feels helpful.

**Common relationship mistakes

What if we want to find out more?

My SCMP article:

Bezos’ Divorce: 3 Reasons Why Modern Marriages Fail

**Couples who stay together connect emotionally

The Power of You!

If you and your partner are not at a place where therapy is an option, visit our Relationship Kit for self-help tips.

When it comes to working on your relationship, remember the Serenity Prayer. Focus on what YOU can change, and start there. You will discover the power you have on changing your partner, when YOUR own behavior shifts.