With time a couple’s communication takes on a certain fixed trajectory. When arguments escalate, they follow the movement. For example, partner A expresses frustration with behavior X; partner B justifies behavior X, or argues that A does something similar to or worse than X. A then launches into criticism (“you never take responsibility for anything” or “you don’t think about me” or “you are lazy”, etc etc). It’s game on at that moment. Voices are raised, faces turn red, frustration mounts, gloves are off. It’s rinse and repeat.
Try something new. Lay it out to your partner, in plain language, how you two go in circles. Communicate that WITHOUT irritation, blaming, or criticism. Ask, “I want to have a different communication. What do you need from me to stop doing X?”, or “What do you need from me to NOT criticize?”
Put your minds together to set a new communication trajectory.