Because you want an intentional next chapter.
Marriage counseling/couples therapy is a space to chart out the next phase of a couple’s relationship.
Common reasons to use marriage counseling:
- revamp a marriage
- rebuild trust after a betrayal
- iron out relationship wrinkles before marriage (pre-marital counseling)
- decide between leaving and staying
- separate well and transition into co-parenting
This list is not exhaustive, but covers the major ways in which couples use therapy. What follows is how I work and common relationship dynamics I work with.
Does this sound like your situation?
When a couple comes in to see us, they are usually at a stage where their relationship has caused a significant amount of distress and disappointment. When one partner picks a fight or pulls away, they are at the same time putting out a private feeling or need: e.g., the subtext of a fight can mean “I need you to understand my feeling,” or “I need the hurt to stop.” However, it often leads to the other partner feeling attacked, criticized, rejected or abandoned: e.g. pulling away can be a way to calm oneself or the situation down, but it can also make the other partner feel abandoned. When these cycles keep repeating, communication can feel like you two are just escalating or going in circles, and these rough patches are punctuated by quiet tension that leaves you feeling very isolated and alone. Apart from chronic issues, couples can also come in to deal with an acute crisis (e.g. betrayal, loss of child) so significant that they wonder if they have what it takes to repair, or if they should just call it quits. Either way, couples often feel lost as to how to dig themselves out of what feels like marital quicksand.
Couples therapy can provide a way for partners to identify the difficult feelings that fuel repetitive arguments, the unmet needs that give rise to resentment and distance, and their own part in the unhelpful patterns in communication. When the dance between a couple is brought to light, both partners can identify more clearly what their needs are, how to communicate them, and what to avoid to reverse painful patterns.
My Approach to Couples Therapy
Because of my training in psychoanalytic therapy, I listen with a curious ear for the emotional current and psychological meanings around any issue that couples bring in. For example, if an argument around “should we keep the cat?” reaches an impasses between a couple, my approach is NOT to arbitrate, give advice, or problem-solve. Instead, I might explore with the couple what the “cat” stands for. Does the cat stand for a battleground to work out who has more say, who is more important, who makes decisions in the marriage? Or does the cat stand for one partner’s wish to hold onto something of his/her own, and its removal another partner’s wish for the marriage ALONE to meet ALL needs between the two?
About Me
The Psychology of Conflict
Conflicts are inevitable. If handled with care and maturity, conflicts are opportunities for growth. Conflicts put a couple in an uncomfortable arena where they have to face their differences, their separateness, or as Orna Guralnik (from documentary series Couples Therapy) calls it, “the other’s otherness.” Esther Perel talks about the need to traverse between security and novelty, attachment and exploration, the familiarity and the foreignness of the other. The apparently innocent question of what to feed the baby or what supplement to take can quickly turn into emotional minefields that are no longer about food or supplements. These conflicts oftentimes carry the emotional charge of who is right or wrong/good or bad/superior or inferior; are you with me or against me; do you appreciate what I bring/represent or are you my enemy. In some couples, differences feel risky and arguments are escalated as an attempt to minimize these differences. In other couples, differences do get buried for superficial peace, but true intimacy and openness are compromised.
The Many Faces of Betrayals
Infidelity is one of the most painful forms of betrayal. People stray for many reasons. Some feel unloved, uncared for, and disrespected by their spouse, and find in the affair partner what they long for in their marriage. Some use the affair as a space to get in touch with aspects of themselves that stay hidden or alienated in the marriage. Whatever the reason, the effects on the injured partner are devastatingly real and damaging. Even when both partners put in the solid work to rebuild trust, repair will take a considerable amount of time. The silver lining is that a deepening of the relationship could happen, as issues that were once shoved under the rug are now out in the open and being talked about. An analogy is that people who once experienced a serious illness will have a new found respect for eating healthy and exercising regularly, and their wellbeing improves.
Betrayals can take other forms. “Whose side are you on?” is a question that launches a thousand arguments, but it is often hidden in the sense that it is not the question being verbally asked. And both partners can spend 3 hours arguing about apples and oranges without being aware of the real question that sits between them. Loyalty is the bedrock of any intimate relationship, but partners could have vastly different ideas as to what constitutes loyalty and what counts as violation. When these differences remain unprocessed, the muted question curdles into “What am I to you?” and “Do I matter?”
Anger and Avoidance
Among the problems raised by partners considering marriage, anger and avoidance are common.
Anger is a normal human emotion, not that different from sadness or happiness. Anger can be an entirely appropriate emotional response when, for example, our boundaries are violated or our safety threatened. However, volatile anger outbursts differ from expressing angry feelings in productive ways. Intense anger outbursts shatter relationships because one’s partner likely feels hurt and unsafe due to the display of extreme aggression.
- Learn more about anger
Avoidance can manifest as withdrawal or not showing up for the relationship. People who use avoidance can forget about a request, procrastinate, tell lies, or otherwise disengage from their partner. What this tends to trigger is a “pursue” response from the other partner, who is said to often nag, criticize, or control. This is because avoidance in a partner can leave the “pursuing” parter feeling very hurt, insecure, and exhausted, questioning one’s worth and the partner’s commitment to the relationship. To manage these difficult feelings, the pursuing partner remind, complain, and confront, hoping to influence a positive outcome. The more one avoids, the more the other pursues. This loop tends to reinforce itself and take on a life of its own.
Should I Stay, or Leave?
Loss is one of the most challenging aspects of the human experience. Some people come in in a state of genuine confusion: staying or leaving feels equally miserable. On the one hand there could be a suffocating deadness and chronic frustration in the relationship. On the other hand, there is attachment to the partner and the shared history feels like part of self. Also, the guilt of breaking apart a family with children feels paralyzing.
Others, however, feel clear about where they stand and would like the ending to happen in the contained environment of a therapist’s office.
Separation and Co-Parenting
Many modern marriages don’t end in till death do us part. Despite how widely rituals are used to mark the end of a passage (e.g., funerals and graduations), divorce proves an enduring exception. Understandably, divorce is very difficult to process. The sense of loss and disillusionment can feel overwhelming, even for the initiating spouse. However, a bitter and ugly divorce benefits no one, least of all the children.
Bezos’ Divorce: 3 Reasons Why Modern Marriages Fail
Couples therapy can help spouses transition from marital partners to co-parenting partners. The anguish and rifts that culminate in the decision to divorce will not go away simply because two people no longer share the same residential address. Processing the decision and taking responsibility for the outcome together will help both get closure and move on.
A lot of parents understandably worry about how their divorce will affect the children. It is important to send the message to children that even though the marriage is ending, parenthood is for life and unchanging. Thus, it will be helpful to have a therapeutic space for co-parents to work out the basis of an amicable working relationship that approximates a friendship, from which to launch future co-parenting efforts.
If you are planning a divorce, and want some guidance, my very short book Talking to Children about Divorce might be helpful.
Dr Bertie’s e-Book on Talking to Children about Divorce
If your child shows signs of distress around your divorce, or you want to see a therapist alone for marital difficulties, I will be happy to hear from you.
Therapy